A Realization

***Let me warn you now, this is going to be a long post, bare with me, and hopefully it will be worth it for those who stick it out until the end***

Now that that spring is well on its way to summer with no looking back, I walk to work whenever it is possible. What used to take five minutes by car now takes 20 minutes by foot. This eats some of my free time in the mornings, but considering my room, with its white walls and white shades, doesn’t keep much light out and consequently doesn’t allow me to sleep in much past 7:00am, ever (helloooo curtains!), it was an easy adjustment. When I leave for work at 8:00ish, the traffic has dissipated, few people are out and the sun is still far from reaching its maximum potential for the day. The minute I step out of my apartment building, and turn on my MP3 player, I have a peaceful twenty minutes to myself.

This time to myself, both in the morning and in the afternoon (although it is much hotter and busier on the walk home), is much more appreciated now that I share my office with someone else. (The progress of that arrangement is worth another post, that I’m sure will appear here sooner than later.) During my daily trek this week, I’ve come to realize something about myself that has been subconsciously eating at me for probably well over a year now. I’m not really sure what triggered the realization, but now that it has, I hope that it will be easier to figure out some things that have been the “uncertainties” in my life since I graduated from college.

A small recap, first: I graduated from college in the spring of 2005 with a degree in Anthropology. I had spent the first part of the fall semester debating on whether or not I should apply for grad school for the following year. With work and my classes, and knowing the next semester would be significantly harder than the current one, I ultimately decided that taking some time off and establishing residency in Colorado (so I could, maybe, afford grad school there) would be the best route to take. I had spent the two previous summers as an intern/assistant curator at a history museum in my hometown, thus peaking my interest in museum studies and cementing my plans for grad school, whenever that would happen.

After I graduated, I moved into my sister and brother-in-law’s basement until I found a full time job and could afford a place of my own. I took a temporary position at the same non-profit Jenn worked at while I searched for jobs. The more I searched for jobs, and the more I worked at MH, the more I wanted to stay in the non-profit sector. Eight months later, I was finally offered a position at YB, was able to move out a month later, and four months after that, here I am.

So, now that I’ve been in the non-profit sector for over a year, my interests are beginning to shift. Museum studies is still of interest to me, but there’s just something about working in non-profits that makes me want to stick around for awhile (and musuems can be non-profits, too). The fact of the matter is, either way I go, Museum Studies or Non-Profit Management, grad school is undoubtedly in my future. Yet, I’m still hesitant. I know I’m not ready to go back to school right now, I want to enjoy homework free evenings and weekends for a little while longer. Grad school, no matter where I go or what I do, will be expensive, and I want to make sure I’m going back for the right degree and for the right reasons before dishing out money or taking out student loans. However, buried underneath all of these reasons lies the heart of my hesitancy: I have serious doubts that I’m smart enough to even go to grad school.

Okay, before we go any further I want to let you all know that the previous statement was not written with the purpose to solicit self-esteem boosting comments. I hate that I think this, wish I didn’t, and surprised myself that after everything I’ve managed to accomplish this past year, I still feel inadequate.

That being said, I don’t think that I’m stupid, and any self discriminating thoughts that were in any way related to that train of thought have all but disappeared in the last year. It’s not like I did poorly in school, I graduated high school with over a 4.0 GPA, made it through college with a 3.8, I had a fairly well rounded social life, and successfully worked a variety of jobs. Somewhere along the way, however, being labeled as chronically un-cool for the first half of my life and lingering far too long in a relationship that did nothing for my self-esteem, somehow, in my own head, translated to some form of inadequacy. I won’t say that I was traumatized by high school, or that I was in an abusive relationship, but the combination of past events ultimately, somehow, made me doubt my intellectual abilities.

Of course, everything started changing about 10 months ago. With the help of family and friends (even if I wasn’t admitting it to them, or myself for that matter), I realized all the relationship crap I was going through wasn’t worth the consequences and I (with lots of support and advice) broke up with the bad-relationship-boy. Shortly after that, I began dating Trout, who had not only been my friend for over year before that, he somehow didn’t go running in the other direction edven though he had witnessed my relationship ugliness, but on top of everything, when he told me why he liked me, one of the first reasons was because I was smart. That is without a doubt the nicest thing any boyfriend has ever told me. I can’t even remember the last time the previous boyfriend told me that (but I could tell you when he, more or less, told me the opposite of that). I think this was the first step in the right direction. Thanks, Trout. You’ve been amazingly supportive, and I hope you realize how much you’ve helped.

Unemployment was an ugly time, and I really appreciated everyone’s patience with me through those months. I will admit I had several breakdowns at the thought of spending day after day scouring newspapers and the internet for potential jobs, not knowing if it would pay off. As I’ve said before, unemployment doesn’t do good things to one’s self-esteem. In the end and looking back, I feel like I was being overdramatic, even if it seemed entirely reasonable at the time. Getting the job at YB was another huge step, and while being an assistant isn’t always the most thrilling job in the world, I’m really happy with how things are going.

After work earlier this week, I went out for drinks with a coworker. This particular coworker is one of the people I work under. Fund development and communications is the main area that I’ve worked in since I started in non-profits, and now that I’ve seen the programming and accounting sides, I know that, if I stick with non-profits, I’d rather work with fundraising. I don’t want to say too much yet, for fear of jinxing this (it worked to my advantage the last time I stayed vague on details until I knew for sure), but if Rebecca can work with our COO, my job description may shift significantly in the next couple of months and I would be taking on a lot more responsibility within the department. Our conversation the other night also reassured me that I’m moving in the right direction. I really like the non-profit sector and after I left the bar, I realized that I am capable of doing more than what my job description states now.

Wednesday night was the first time in a long time that I felt like grad school was actually an obtainable possibility. All the other factors are still an issue, but the underlying problem seems to be fading away with each passing day. The walk to work on Thursday was one of the best I’ve had since I started walking on a regular basis and I have new things to look forward to at work. Sooner or later, I’ll be able to get this whole “what to do with my future” thing figured out. It’s not if, but when.

Okay, I’ve finished my heart to heart with you all. Thanks for sticking it out until the end. And if you’re worried that I’ll be late for work by looking that the time this is posted…I decided to stay home a little longer to finish this post. I’ll forego any chances of any more revelations this week and just drive to work.

This weekend I’m off to the suburbs to make curtains so I might have a chance to sleep in on the weekends and keep the apartment cooler as summer draws ever closer. It’s been a good week, can’t wait to see what’s next.

Happy Friday everyone!