The Officemate

By the time a person starts looking for their first real job, they have undoubtedly had to work with a wide variety of people, both good and bad. Trudging through the trenches of high school and college employment waiting tables, checking groceries, mowing lawns, babysitting, tending bar or hotel front desks will leave one with enough inspiration to find a better job to last them a lifetime.

Coming from small town, rural America, I’ve worked with a decent cross section of people. Thankfully, none of my former coworkers have been outrageously inept or unbearable to work with. I don’t have nearly as entertaining stories as Dirk, but then again, you’ll be hard pressed to top his coworkers. Since moving to Denver, I’ve been lucky enough to have great coworkers, both at MH and now at YB. We actually socialize outside of work, just for the hell of it. However, the newest addition to our staff probably won’t be joining us the next time we split a pitcher of PBR (oh, that’s right, we drink PBR). And I have to share an office with her.

I’ve attempted to write about this several times already and every time it comes off as whiny, shallow and just not funny. My officemate is a good person, very likable and her heart is in the right place. It’s not that I don’t like her, and having to vent about her makes me feel a little guilty. With that being said, I still find the need to write about it. If I was a better writer this might come out wittier, or cleverer, but this is the best I can do:

My officemate is in her late 30s, but she uses the words “awesome” and “totally” more than any of the youth in our programs.

Instead of using words like “good” or “great” like saying “Okay, great, I’ll get that done for you.” She’ll use “beautiful” instead. At least once a day, I hear something like “Oh that’s beautiful. Thanks for showing me how to print file labels.” Or (when ending phone conversations) “have a beautiful day.”

She thinks that anything the youth do (and keep in mind they’re teenagers, not six year olds) is “cute” and “adorable.” She also uses those adjectives to describe the kids in general. “Which one is José? Is he the adorable little guy who was wearing the green shirt today?” This particular conversation came about when we were signing a birthday card for José’s 16th birthday.

When I finish phone conversations that are clearly not work related, or chuckle at emails (or blogs, but I don’t think she knows what those are), she asks, in the same high, wispy, slightly condescending voice she uses to talk about our “cute” and “adorable” youth, “Oh, was that your hunny-bunny?” I haven’t referred to a boyfriend as “hunny-bunny” since I was fifteen, and even then it was a joke. She’s not joking.

She informed me one day, when I tried to help her re-word a letter that was going to be distributed to parents about our summer workshops (I was trying to explain why words like “awesome” don’t belong in formal business letters), that she avoids using certain words “because of the vibrations.” Apparently words like “sorry” and “please” don’t work well with the balance of the universe.

In our programs, we emphasize the importance of the business handshake, and as a result, when the trainees come in to work, they shake the hands of their peers and staff members. Since we’re in the front office, we end up shaking a lot of hands throughout the day. I admit, this is a surprisingly uplifting part of my day, and thankfully, my officemate has an explanation for why this is so inspiring. In her airy, hippy-dippy voice, she told me “Oh, I know it’s so great to shake the youths’ hands, you can just feel their positive energy being transferred to you.” I’m pretty sure the vibrations came up again in this conversation as well. Mystery solved.

Now, I’m all for religious freedom and expression, even ones that include crystals, vibrations and astrological charts. However, the thing that really baffles me is that my officemate, whether subconsciously or not, thinks that not only should we help the youth with academic, business and leadership skills, but we should be helping improve their souls as well. That’s fine, but YB is not the place to being doing that. I don’t know if she sees our youth as these poor disadvantaged, unenlightened beings that need to be shown the way, but last week’s workshop was a little too much. At one point, the youth had to sing Amazing Grace and other spiritual hymns while trying to center their breathing in order to identify their inner-vibrations. The whole situation was just so out of place and awkward that I had to retreat to the back of the building.

As strange as my work environment is sometimes, and I wish I had my own office again, I also have to keep my fingers crossed that my officemate works out. My promotion doesn’t include an office change, but she’s next in line to take over all my administrative duties when I switch positions. If she doesn’t stick around that might put a hitch in when I get to start working in development fulltime.

What I wouldn’t do for a cubicle right about now…